Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Saw online –
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem