You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids