My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Autocorrect completely socks
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
being a writer on Twitter:
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.