Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.