a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.