COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
there’s probably a fee though
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Twitter remains undefeated
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.