Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
ouch
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’ve been drinking.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases