Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring