Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Trying
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Cha-ching is my safe word
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter