There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
the noise i just made
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
WHY would you be happy about this?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks