[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
This is a sub tweet
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets