in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.