My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
i’m still crying at this
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?