Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
You Might Also Like
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My first son he is wonderful
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.