[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
You deplete me
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!