cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
🤣✨#caturday
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii