me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*pronounces fake like saké*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔