Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
You Might Also Like
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.