My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.