Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.