me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?