7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.