no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.