My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
it must be school picture day
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.