I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn