[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal