I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir