girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.