I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You Might Also Like
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
me refusing to leave twitter
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: