Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.