How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
You Might Also Like
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”