911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.