Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
tell em, edith-anne
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle