When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Wake me when AI does housework
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?