Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me and my fake scenarios
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
never forget
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.