Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
@funTweeters
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
is nasa ok