Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit