Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume