“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
You Might Also Like
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014