Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
When you let grandma cat sit
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, itâs my husband
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce đ
DIET TIP: donât eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients youâd never eat together. Itâs always like âBasil and Butterscotchâ or âHoney and Clam.â
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
How funny!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My daughter is angry that I wonât let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like Iâm some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Looking at a guy in great shape: đ„đ„
Looking at a girl in great shape: đđ
Looking at workout equipment: đ
British websites use biscuits.
Apparently itâs inappropriate to yell out âShots, shots, shots, shotsâ while your childâs getting immunizations at the pediatricianâs office.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: I donât think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, Iâd like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and Iâm like wow there are people who make their bed
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now itâs 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.