*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
WHY?!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.