Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.