Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Breaking news:
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.