Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Name this drama.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Perfect
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.