For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.