{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’m too immature for adultery.