[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.