Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
God: letting you name each other鈥檚 breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I鈥檓 so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn鈥檛 know we were being serious.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Him: I don鈥檛 believe I caught your name.
Her: I don鈥檛 believe I threw it.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me, flirting馃槒
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn鈥檛 get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it鈥檚 everyone鈥檚 problem 馃檮
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.