Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
You Might Also Like
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.