[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies